my poly journey
The first time I ever heard of polyamory was around 6 years ago from my partner at the time. He very cautiously approached me, “hey, I’ve been learning about this thing called polyamory… what do you think about open relationships?” It was an instant ‘no’ for me. For this formerly (so very) christian who experienced so much shame around sexuality, it all felt way too scary to even entertain!
Through many more conversations and seeking education around poly, I started to really slowly see that this different container for relationships was actually not only really appealing on many levels, but also a safe one that I could lean into (accompanied of course by some really supportive boundaries)! I loved the transparency into my partner’s heart and mind and I loved being able to express myself as well in a deeper way than I’d ever experienced. And the communication! Y’all there is nothing (ok maybe not nothing) sexier than some clear, emotionally self-aware communication.
Eventually, my partner and I did open our relationship, established our agreements for how we were going to engage with other partners and with each other and then continued to shift and adjust with every single nuance we ran into (and there were a lot)! What I appreciated most from that time is that both my partner and I had full permission to try and learn and change our minds about all kinds of things! The communication we desired before and after dates, the bandwidth we had for other partnerships, etc. Prior to that, I had always felt really constricted in relationship- almost as if I was expected to remain the same forever and ever amen. No thanks.
I remember all the firsts and the excitement that came with them. Making dating profiles! First dates! First kisses! First other stuffs! I also remember the challenges. Navigating different desires, different love languages, different modes of communication. And NRE (new relationship energy), our old friend. She got me good. There were so many lessons learned and so many beautiful experiences that I’ll always be glad I had. And, my favorite part of this whole journey is the deepened relationship with myself!
Relationships in any form show me a LOT about myself IF I’m paying attention and open to receiving the wisdom. Hello attachment styles (for one). Being poly has given me a greater sense of self-trust as I’ve needed to look at a lot of my own unsupportive patterns in relationship. I learned pretty quickly that the only variable that wasn’t changing was ME.
Being poly also deepened my self-love. My anxious attachment has received so much love! I’ve learned to be with myself and the more challenging emotions I experience. I’ve learned to be a really strong advocate for myself and my needs and wants. I’ve learned to speak to myself really tenderly and with so much compassion, knowing that I’m really the only one that can soothe some of those deeper wounds I carry.
No one way is the right way. My job is to support you in finding the one that works for you! If you’re here reading this, I know that you’re a person that is interested in thoughtfully choosing the relationship structure that works for you. I applaud you, I’m with you, I’m cheering you on.
Always in your corner,
Stef